Happy Anniversary to My Little Dudessa

Whenever I introduce a new topic, I always find that my self-imposed word limit of 300 requires leaving stuff out, creating an open loop I need to close by expanding on the topic. Yesterday I was writing about transformation through small disciplines and I’ve got more to say in future.

Normally that future would begin today.

But, today is my anniversary and I have something more important to say. So, screw the open loop, and screw the 300 word limit (it takes what it takes).

Happy 21st anniversary honey.

We’ve been through a lot over the last 2-1/2 decades:

  • Falling in love across two times zones and an international border.
  • Figuring out a mixed race, mixed cultural wedding.
  • Travels and adventures throughout Asia and the Caribbean.
  • Bearing and raising three amazing boys.

I could go on. And on. And on. But I won’t

Because what really stands out is what happened after telling you about my depression. I hid this nasty secret from you for two decades and fessing up terrified me. When I finally did, I was on the verge of suicide.

Had you decided you couldn’t live with it (and me), that it was just too much, just too hard, for me that would have been the end.

Instead, your reaction was, “Well, that explains a lot. What can I do?”

The better question might have been, “What else can I do?”

You already bore my children.

You already first lived through, and now support me through, my spirals. When things get bad, you are one of the ones I lean on to get through.

I can only imagine how hard it is to live with someone like me, which you’ve done for 21 years.

I can’t promise you that I will get better. Actually, I can guarantee I won’t, my depression is incurable. What I can promise is that I can try to improve.

To develop habits and disciplines to keep the depression at bay, to make it easier to escape when the grey mist settles, to let you know when I’m struggling, and not take it out on you, or the boys.

I maybe don’t say it enough, but thank you.

I love you.

I have always loved you, even when things were hard, even when (I think) you didn’t really love me.

I will always love you, and I will always be grateful.