I Need to Stop Sabotaging Myself

The first few weeks of this 2022 have been something of a rollercoaster for me. I’m up, I’m down, I recover, I’m up, I’m down again. This cycle has been running both regularly, and predictably, for the past few weeks, stretching at least as far back as the Christmas Holidays.

Looking back over this period, I notice a few common threads. For instance my down cycles all seem to

  • arrive on the weekend
  • coincide with being overtired
  • follow a fairly high “up’ period
  • involve berating myself over not getting something done, or done right

Likewise my up cycles all seem to

  • follow a night, or two, of really good sleep
  • involve a really good time with my kids
  • coincide with getting something well done
  • come about by deliberate choices on my part to fight the darkness.

In looking over these things, and getting much more granular than what I’ve summarized, a pattern of self-sabotage emerges.

I allow myself to get distracted by…something. This leads to self-condemnation over failing in some way (big or small). When I get down on myself I tend to do something stupid, like stay up too late watching a movie (which is exactly what I did last night). Following that I wake up tired, grouchy and depressed.

This is one of the key things I’ve noted about my mental health struggles. My biggest enemy isn’t actually my depression, it’s ME.

Which, in turn, drives one of the key conclusions; the only way I’m going to get better, is to get the hell out of my own way.